Make Eye Contact and Small Talk
Lesson Twelve from On Tyranny by Timothy Snyder
Hello! My sister Erika Poethig posted her thoughts on Lesson Twelve soon after Cardinal Francis Prevost was elected Pope. Pope Leo grew up near the South Side of Chicago, as you may know. Our family has deep Chicago South Side roots, dating back to the 19th century. But in her introduction, Erika writes about more recent family connections to the South Side, where we lived beginning in the mid-1970s.
Erika and I both spent a good deal of our childhood years in Hyde Park. In those years we did not have computers and smart phones to bury ourselves in. I spent a lot of time with my best friends in their homes, where chattering small talk with their sisters and parents was constant. I loved it. Fifty years later, I still feel a part of their families.
I want to thank Erika for highlighting the podcast I did with our dad, called Keeping Dad Alive, and the episode called “Hellish Jobs.” I tell the story of one of my own hellish jobs, in which my supervisor drove up to my desk in a forklift, with no warning. He lifted my desk and carried it to the other side of the warehouse floor, just so I couldn’t make small talk with my coworker in the adjacent desk. Looking back I think the point of that was to keep workers from making connections with each other, so we would be less likely to organize.
****
Dear Friends and Friends of Friends –
Chicagoans are insufferable this week, beaming with immense pride that one of our own has been elected Pope. In his speech to the College of Cardinals this morning, Pope Leo XIV explained:
“I chose to take the name Leo XIV. There are different reasons for this, but mainly because Pope Leo XIII in his historic Encyclical Rerum Novarum addressed the social question in the context of the first great industrial revolution. In our own day, the Church offers to everyone the treasury of her social teaching in response to another industrial revolution and to developments in the field of artificial intelligence that pose new challenges for the defence of human dignity, justice and labour.”
I couldn’t help but think of my father Richard Poethig, who dedicated his ministry to working people in a rapidly changing industrial society, and how thrilled he would be with this choice. In the 1980s, my father joined an ecumenical group of Catholics and Protestants that formed the Calumet Community Religious Conference, which recruited Barack Obama as a community organizer on the southside of Chicago close to where Pope Leo grew up (link to a Gerry Kellman interview). My father explores the motivations for this work and the confluence of Calvinist theology, working people, and the church in an engaging episode of my sister’s podcast Keeping Dad Alive, which recounts the experience of ministers like him working “Hellish Jobs” (like cleaning the steel girders destined for the Kennedy Expressway infrastructure project) to better understand what vocation means for people in the industrial system.
As we have been reminded, Pope Leo XIV is the leader of a worldwide community of Catholics. But I am deeply proud that we have a powerful American-born leader who is offering a vision in contrast to Donald Trump and his administration – one of human dignity, justice and labour. Or, in the words of Liz Cheney:
“In an era that looked as if it might be defined by an American man of depraved cruelty, corruption, and shame, what a magnificent thing the Catholic Church has done. The elevation of an American man of goodness, grace, humility, mercy, and faith to the Throne of St. Peter is moving and momentous for us all.”
In service of democracy,
Erika
P.S. If you want to learn more about these organizing efforts, check out the first chapter of David Garrow’s Rising Star: The Making of Barack Obama, which relies heavily on interviews with my dad and his immaculate record keeping.
Lesson Twelve: Make Eye Contact and Small Talk (video linked)
“This is not just polite. It is part of being a citizen and a responsible member of society. It is also a way to stay in touch with your surroundings, break down social barriers, and understand whom you should and should not trust. If we enter a culture of denunciation, you will want to know the psychological landscape of your daily life.” – Timothy Snyder
Reading this chapter reminded me of the book Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Aspergers, which I read in 2009 when my son Sam was diagnosed with Asperger's. That year was profoundly challenging, marked by Sam's diagnosis and our move from Chicago to Arlington, VA. Fortunately, we found an excellent public elementary school known for its inclusive approach to educating children on the autism spectrum. Sam's first-grade teacher, Ms. Rodriguez was a first-time teacher, and I initially worried about how she would navigate Sam's social behaviors. When she told me she’d read Look Me in the Eye to better understand Sam, I burst into tears. My son was deeply misunderstood and she was taking the time to understand him.
You don’t have to be on the spectrum to find small talk and looking someone in the eye challenging. Maybe it is the growing distrust and polarization in society, staying closer to home post-COVID, or the obsession with our phones, but we are living in the “Anti-Social Century” and people seem to be losing this skill. Derek Thompson writes, “Home-based, phone-based culture has arguably solidified our closest and most distant connections. . . But it’s wreaking havoc on the middle ring of “familiar but not intimate” relationships with the people who live around us, which Dunkelman calls the village. “These are your neighbors, the people in your town,” he said. We used to know them well; now we don’t.”
It is critically important for us to build these relationships, because if this aspect of our shared humanity breaks down we won’t know who to trust if we face denunciation. “The village teaches us tolerance. . . it is our best arena for practicing productive disagreement and compromise—in other words, democracy.”
So, this week (and going forward) I am going to commit myself to building my village with more “familiar but not intimate” relationships.
Make Small Talk During My Commute: I am an introvert, so this isn’t particularly easy for me but I am going to try some experiments. A few years ago, a psychologist at UChicago created an experiment where some people were asked to intentionally interact with people on public transportation vs. staring at their phones or awkwardly at the ground. The result? The people instructed to talk with strangers reported feeling significantly more positive than those who’d kept to themselves. “A fundamental paradox at the core of human life is that we are highly social and made better in every way by being around people,” Nick Epley said. “And yet over and over, we have opportunities to connect that we don’t take, or even actively reject, and it is a terrible mistake.”
Try the “Yes, and” Technique in Potentially Contentious/Uncomfortable Conversation: One effective method for improving conversational skills and reducing social anxiety involves the "yes, and" improv technique. Sam learned this technique, which encourages building upon others' ideas to foster positive and collaborative dialogue, at Second City summer camps. In 2017, he tested his capabilities when called to the stage at a Second City performance at the Kennedy Center. First, you begin by acknowledging the other person's statement or idea, even if it's negative or challenging. Then, add your own contribution, expanding on the existing idea or suggesting a different approach, promoting a more positive and collaborative conversation.
Example:
Person 1: "I'm so tired, this week has been exhausting."
Person 2: "Yes, and maybe we could grab a coffee later to help us both recharge a bit."
Write to Secretary Kennedy about his misguided efforts to defund scientific autism research, shut down the Administration for Community Living, and amass medical records of Americans on the autism spectrum. In the last few weeks, Secretary Kennedy has elevated rhetoric that casts people with Autism Spectrum Disorder as an “epidemic” and incapable of living full lives. Advocacy organizations, which often don’t fully agree, came together to publish this statement.
I am planning to send this letter to Secretary Kennedy:
The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services
200 Independence Avenue, S.W.
Washington, D.C. 20201Dear Secretary Kennedy,
I have grave concerns with your approach to autism research funding and the defunding of services for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder. As the proud mother to a son with Asperger’s, I have witnessed firsthand the challenges and joys of raising a child on the autism spectrum. I have also seen the incredible progress made by dedicated researchers and practitioners working to understand and support individuals with autism.
I am deeply troubled by reports that your efforts have led to the defunding of established scientific research programs, the Administration for Community Living, and the redirection of resources towards initiatives that will amass private medical records. While I understand the importance of data collection, I believe this approach is misguided and potentially harmful.
The redirection of funds away from scientific research undermines the valuable work being done to develop therapies, interventions, and a deeper understanding of the complexities of autism. These established research programs are crucial for improving the lives of individuals with autism and their families. The amassing of private medical records, without a clear and transparent strategy for protecting privacy, raises serious ethical and legal questions.
My son, Sam, was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2009. This was a challenging time, and access to a terrific general education setting well-equipped to educate my son, and support and resources based on sound research made a significant difference for our family. I worry that the current shift in focus will hinder future progress and leave many families without the support they need.
I urge you to reconsider dismantling the Administration for Community Living, defunding scientific-based research into interventions and supports, and replacing it with unfettered access to private data. I believe it is essential to prioritize funding for scientific research that will lead to meaningful advancements in understanding and supporting individuals with autism. I also urge you to ensure that any data collection efforts are conducted with the utmost respect for privacy and in accordance with ethical guidelines.
Sincerely,
Erika Poethig